Dear Mia,

My girlfriend and I haven’t had sex in over a month. She says it’s because she’s “in a funk” with work and balancing life, friends, family, and our relationship. We talked about how I feel like I’m prioritizing and sacrificing, and how I deserve more from her. She said she’d try to do better, and I can tell she is, but we have yet to be intimate since that conversation. I feel awkward bringing it up, but I just did again and feel bad, impatient, and like somethings wrong with me despite her validation that it’s not. Just stuck…

My dearest Railed Reader,

Wow, this is so real. Thank you so much for writing in and allowing us to talk through something that I know so many readers will relate to!

The truth is, I’ve been your girlfriend.

I know that may come as a shock, considering that I present like a nonstop horndog who eats and sleeps sex. But in reality, I was in a long-term relationship in my past where I completely lost my sex drive. My vagina was closed for business. The well had dried up. 

Unfortunately, I had sex anyway. I saw it as my role as someone’s girlfriend to participate in regular sex, regardless of if I was in the mood for it. I assumed it was part of the job description. As this pattern continued and these habits were established, sex transformed into something totally different for me: It was no longer about my desires. It was about a duty that I felt I was meant to fulfill as someone’s partner.

While it sucks that you and your girlfriend aren’t connecting sexually right now, I would much prefer for you to sit in that dry spell than establish an expectation that in your relationship, sex is something that is owed or deserved. Trust me, it’s way better for both of you if your girlfriend takes her time to regain her sex drive, rather than powering through simply because she feels obligated to. Because once your sexy time returns naturally, it won’t be clouded by that confusing, untrue idea that sex is something you are required to give someone else, even if you’re not feeling it.

So, where do you go from here? When you don’t want to make your GF feel pressured into sex, but you also want to communicate your own concerns and desires?

For once in my life, I have the most unsexy advice ever: I think you need to take sex off the table. While your girlfriend pleads “the funk,” I’m guessing that there is something deeper at play. From my personal experience, our vaginas don’t go mute for no reason, whether it’s something to do with your relationship or something totally unrelated.

I love that you are communicating openly about your lack of sex and how it’s making me you feel, but I wonder what would happen if you gave yourself permission to stop trying to solve the sex problem, and instead focus on having vulnerable, honest check-ins with your GF. I’m no psychic, but my intuition is that you may unearth what’s at the core of her lowered libido (it could be as simple as a change in medication!) Once you navigate said obstacle together, the sex may organically return to normal, without feeling like you need to force it right now.

Secondly, if you haven’t already, I would really encourage you to express these insecurities you’re feeling to her! It is beyond valid that her lack of sex drive would make you question yourself, and just as she deserves a safe space to feel supported, so do you. While it may feel tricky or awkward to bring this up, it can be as simple as, “I’ve noticed that our lack of sex is making me feel insecure in our relationship. I love you, and I don’t want us to have sex again until you are ready, but I think I just need a little extra reassurance during this time.” You got this!

My final piece of advice: Explore new ways of intimacy.

A lot of those cravings associated with sex can also be satisfied through other forms of intimacy. Maybe you set up a cozy movie night for you both, fit with face masks and lots of cuddles. Or maybe you enjoy a round of “We’re not really strangers,” a card game that sparks meaningful conversation. Remember: None of these activities should be curated with the end goal of inducing sex — but rather, as a way to be intimate with each other and continue to grow your connection, while giving your GF time to navigate her vagina status.

Also, my final final advice. Masturbate your heart out! Sex is so fabulous because you can lowkey do it by yourself! This is obvi not a long-term solution, but a solid temporary fix for those moments where all you really need is an orgasm.

I hope this was helpful! And to all Railed Readers, submit your own questions to Reaching Railed here!